Ode to the Poser – as seen in Snowboard Magazine

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I could go on about how the culture needs to find its own look – and it has, to a degree. I suppose baggy pants and ovrsized jackets define us as snowboarders, and the jerseys and clown suits are fine (not really), but when you bring in these godd@mn high top sneakers, I’ve gotta draw the line. I am seriously about to yell “RAPE!” in reaction to this appalling epidemic. Tell me, how the F**K do double-high neon toad stompers all flared out at the top complement choad-hugging jeans that taper down to twiggy-@$$ ankles? You are telling me that’s a good look? Listen, I had the same problem when I was in junior high with my British Knights and my Bugle Boys, but for f**k’s sake, I was 11. And that’s what’s really bugging me – the kids. Dude, they don’t know any better. They are just doing this sh!t because the older guys are. Now we have an infestation of feral children prancing around with Voltron on one foot and a Teletubbe on the other, tripping over sh!t and looking like wandering pieces of random garbage. No direction.

Then there is the whole limited-edition collabo bullsh!t. Really? Tell me, who needs some f@gg0t-@$$ brand’s name of another boutique bullsh!t brand embossed on their already f**ked shoes? And the money kids…I mean their parents pay for this sh!t? It’s outrageous. If you give two f**ks about what kind of shoes this, that, or the other guy’s wearing, then I guess ultimately, you deserve this self-inflicted humiliation.

But back to the “Lizard Queen” look. Guys, sorry to tel you that Johnny Thunders died a gnarly death and Sid Vicious killed his prostitute girlfriend while high on drugs. Now I don’t know what kind of solvent you guys are huffing, but I suggest reeling it in a bit tighter if you find this sort of thing glamorous.

If you want to live like a rodent, then that’s your perrogative. It’s one thing to dress like a piss-ant when you are not snowboarding – I could not give a sh!t. However, when you try and ride in that cr@p – you must be kidding. I mean, you maybe left your gear at home by accident because you were baked, right? You can’t tell me that this is what you choose to wear. You are clearly choosing fashion over function, and what does that tell the rest of us? That you care more about how you look than anything else, and you are willing to sacrifice personal comfort and performance so you look the part. Seems a bit vain, doesn’t it?

I know you listen to good music, bro. I know you smoke like a forest fire and drink gasoline for the fun of it. That’s rad, but for christ’s sake, have some self-respect. Many of you are amazing snowboarders, but listen. You can have all the style in the world but still look like a donkey because of what you are wearing.

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